Catching Grenades: Dudes Do What They Want to Do. Always.

Ladies, I am going to let you in on a little secret.  Something that has been paradigm-shifting for me.  Are you ready?  Here it goes:  “Dudes do what they want to do.  Always.”  This little maxim is the only real wisdom I have about men folk, but it has been truly illuminating.  It has given me the freedom to stop analyzing and simply start living, and in the best case love with anticipation and not debilitating expectation.

As women, we have a tendency to get caught in analysis  paralysis when it comes to our romantic relationships.  We spend countless man hours and tremendous bandwidth trying to figure out what he is thinking, feeling, and desiring.  This kind of behavior almost always becomes an exercise in self-deprecation. We begin to blame ourselves for why he isn’t responding, acting, or otherwise behaving the way we want him to.  Perhaps it is that we don’t listen, or we are not accomplished, thin, pretty, or smart enough.  We begin to create these mythologies to provide a rationale for another person’s behavior and we operate within the myth, when there is only one real truth. Again I will say it:   “Dudes do what they want to do. Always”

Men are uniquely binary. They tend to operate more comfortably in a space of  “yes” or “no”, whereas women tend to prefer more choices; we are creatures of nuance.  The fact that men tend to thrive in the black and white spaces of life, and not in the gray should make things easier on us. However, all to often our choice to over analyze negates this opportunity for peace and truth.  We still sit around with our girlfriends trying to figure out why he doesn’t call, why he won’t leave her, why he won’t go down the aisle or even to the movies, when the answer is simple. He doesn’t do any or all of those things because he doesn’t want to.  When he does, he will. Simple.

This whole theory is not to suggest that men are not complex. I hate the idea floating around that men our “simple”; to my mind they are just has  cerebrally splendid and capable of feeling, as their female counterparts.  However, the extent to which they work comfortably in the emotional realm is perhaps more limited than women, but when they do—I would argue that men can be far more deliberate, loyal, and even invested.  So what does this look like?

I have known men that once in love with a woman will put up with every kind of demoralizing form of rejection one can imagine.  Bruno Mars sings about catching grenades for the woman to whom he was devoted.  Yes—this song is melodramatic, but there is a lot of truth in this metaphor.  Because men do what they want to do, when they decide they want to love you or make you happy, the lengths they will go to to do so are remarkable.  Have you ever had a guy in your life, who was crazy about you?  I don’t me lunatic stalker crazy; I mean genuinely into you.  I have and I will tell you that in every case I never had to question how he felt or what he was thinking because his actions demonstrated everything I needed to know.   “Dudes do what they want to do. Always”

I hope that this little tidbit  of wisdom helps you move on or move to a relationship that is affirming, fulfilling, and useful.  I also hope that it will help you loose whatever binds you have on your romantic life.  The next time you find your self ruminating  about what Mr. Man wants, needs, or feels immediately remember: “Dudes do what they want to do” and then channel that energy into yourself or even into serving others.  The time we spend devoting energy to understanding what he is thinking can be much more profitably spent defining our own hopes, desires, and dreams.



  1. While I don’t agree with the idea of men being uniquely binary (and if so, it is by choice not by science from what I’ve seen), I do agree that women do get into insane relationship analyses that actually become draining and not helpful. I actually blogged about that as well.

    While thinking about human interactions in general and psychology at the macrocosmic level can be intellectually stimulating and interesting as well as fostering good conversations, once on the microcosmic level and interpersonal relationships, it can be a true burden.

    I would spend 3 hours on the phone with a friend when I was younger, over analyzing a 15 minute convo with a guy. I am SO GLAD I’ve matured past that. But I suspect many women do this as if coming up with some sort of “answer” will alleviate the anxiety of the relationship itself. Intellectualization is a defense mechanism and I know I used that in the past by breaking down a relationship into small minute facts as to not feel any genuine disappointment and as a protective effort. It’s futile.

    • You can always count on Trudy to break it down. This is so true.

  2. Truth. This post was on point. Women do tend to spend too much damn energy worrying about what Men are thinking and what women fail to realize is, we are not the same so doing such things are just a waste of time.
    Put that same energy into something that will pay off.
    A lot of men are forced to prematurely commit to things that they aren’t ready for, but commit just to please their lady.
    I could go on but I will bring it to a halt.

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