What Are You Afraid of…The Love Below?: Black Female Sexual Agency and the Power/Penalty of Yes

I recently hosted a shindig with a group of 30-somethings at my home. ¬†The group was composed of both men and women, and much of the conversation‚ÄĒalbeit fueled by alcohol and barbecue‚ÄĒrevolved¬†around male/female relationships and of course sex. ¬†One of the men present at the event put forth the premise that¬†all¬†women fall into four¬†hierarchically¬†based categories:¬†marriageable date-able, fuck-able, and untouchable.

This statement immediately sent me to my special place.¬† My anger reached biblical proportions. That is a less judicious part of me wanted to smite him on sight‚ÄĒbut instead I listened. I listened to him rationalize ad nauseam a limited, simple, and rather hurtful view of women¬†and in particular Black women. ¬†I may be biased, but to me a Black woman’s experience and the way she does “womanhood‚ÄĚ is too¬†unique and¬†really too¬†¬†divine to be reduced to arbitrary categories. Yet his premise gives us a point of departure to discuss Black female sexual agency: its power and its penalty.

The fictions around Black female sexuality are dangerous. ¬†From the sexually repressed mammie to the¬†wanton¬†jezzebel,¬†these¬†convenient and simplistic archetypes make me nervous for several reasons. ¬†First, they are symbolic of the greater cultural systems of patriarchy that normalize sexism and more pointedly sexual prohibition for women‚ÄĒand in particular Black women. Second, they subvert Black women’s sexual agency and support constructed myths of the “good girl” and the “bad girl” to the¬†detriment¬†of Black female sexual identity formation. Finally, they treat sex as a commodity within the relational transactions of Black women and men, thereby stripping it of its spiritual and natural origins.

For decades, Black women have had to negotiate a sexual identity against the historical backdrop of slavery that found them the victims of systematic rape and sexual abuse.  From these origins, a range of sexual stereotype regarding Black women have emerged in the larger culture.  We have been portrayed as either oversexed or sexually deficient.  Sadly, the Black female voice has largely been left on the margins of such discussions, particularly when it contradicts mainstream ideas.   Accordingly, to assert agency over one’s sexuality may even today be interpreted within the parameters of stereotypes like the Jezebel:

The portrayal of Black women as lascivious by nature is an enduring stereotype. The descriptive words associated with this stereotype are singular in their focus: seductive, alluring, worldly, beguiling, tempting, and lewd. Historically, White women, as a category, were portrayed as models of self-respect, self-control, and modesty ‚Äď even sexual purity, but Black women were often portrayed as innately promiscuous, even predatory. This depiction of Black women is signified by the name Jezebel.2

Jezebel Stereotype

In the song “She Lives in My Lap”, by Outkast, a breathy Rosario Dawson’s whispers the lyrics: What’s wrong?/What are you afraid of?/The Love Below. I thought this line was very telling about the power differential that sex can cause in modern male female relationships. ¬†I believe that many men are equal parts attracted to and fearful of a sexually confident woman.

All too often, a women’s sexual ego is equated to her ability to please a man‚ÄĒ rather than her ability to derive sexual pleasure for herself. ¬†However, if a woman outwardly expresses her desire for sexual pleasure and moreover asserts agency over her sexuality, she is often reduced to the “jump-off, “the ¬†provocateur”, or ” the heaux”.¬† Categories and stereotypes become a way of managing common fears men have around female sexuality: that they will fail to please their partner, that their partner might commit adultery, or that they will erase men from their sexual experience all together.

The good girl/bad girl construct is another fall out of patriarchal thinking. ¬†¬†Steve Harvey‚Äôs¬†Act like a Woman, Think like a Man¬†is an artifact of this construct. ¬†¬†What’s the difference between a lady and a woman? ¬†Patriarchy.¬† Western society promotes so-called sexual purity in women as a desirable quality for a mate.¬† On its face sexual purity isn‚Äôt a bad thing; I would simply argue that its value is applied inequitably¬†across the sexes. ¬† Black women are well aware of the ‚Äúboys will be boys‚ÄĚ mentality that governs sexual power structures of our community and for that matter larger Western society, but I believe we have been downright complacent, if not content to uphold and even perpetuate this norm.¬† We see and define our own value within these constructs:¬†be sexually desirable‚ÄĒyes, desire sex outside the norms of society‚ÄĒno.

Categorizing or stereotyping women along lines of their collective sexual behavior is not only damaging to the female psyche, but I would argue equally dangerous for the greater society.  Ironically, as I type this, I am watching the documentary Love Crimes of Kabul. It traces the story of Afghan women who face prison for adultery and premarital sex.  While worlds apart from my reality, I would argue that the sexist ideology that governs such practices is very real in Western culture  and in the African-American community.  Listening to women talk about their lack of power to define their sexual behavior is an apt metaphor for the power struggles Black women face in defining, owning, leveraging, and embracing their sexuality.  Pain and pleasure interplay in this long running narrative.

Ever since Eve and the apple came into our cultural consciousness, women’s power over their sexuality has been compromised.  Women and men need to collectively take the power struggle, and manipulation out of our sexual relationships, in order to get back to its purest state. Sex is natural, spiritual, and beautiful.  When Black women and Black men confront each other honestly about what they are both seeking, the categories become extinct, the myths are debunked, and the stereotypes are confronted.  Love becomes free again. 

Catching Grenades: Dudes Do What They Want to Do. Always.

Ladies, I am going to let you in on a little secret. ¬†Something that has been paradigm-shifting for me. ¬†Are you ready? ¬†Here it goes: ¬†“Dudes do what they want to do. ¬†Always.” ¬†This little maxim is the only real wisdom I have about men folk, but it has been truly¬†illuminating. ¬†It has given me the freedom to stop analyzing and simply start living, and in the best case love with anticipation and not debilitating expectation.

As women, we have a¬†tendency¬†to get caught in analysis ¬†paralysis when it comes to our romantic relationships. ¬†We spend countless man hours and tremendous bandwidth trying to figure out what he is thinking, feeling, and desiring. ¬†This kind of behavior almost always becomes an exercise in self-deprecation. We begin to blame ourselves for why he isn’t responding, acting, or otherwise behaving the way we want him to. ¬†Perhaps it is that we don’t listen, or we are not accomplished, thin, pretty, or smart enough. ¬†We begin to create these mythologies to provide a rationale for another person’s behavior and we operate within the myth, when there is only one real truth. Again I will say it: ¬†¬†“Dudes do what they want to do. Always”.¬†

Men are uniquely binary. They tend to operate more comfortably in a space of ¬†“yes” or “no”, whereas women tend to prefer more choices; we are creatures of nuance. ¬†The fact that men tend to thrive¬†in the black and white spaces of life, and not in the gray should make things easier on us. However, all to often our choice to over analyze negates this opportunity for peace and truth. ¬†We still sit around with our girlfriends trying to figure out why he doesn’t call, why he won’t leave her, why he won’t go down the aisle or even to the movies, when the answer is simple. He doesn’t do any or all of those things because he doesn’t want to. ¬†When he does, he will. Simple.

This whole theory is not to suggest that men are not complex. I hate the idea floating around that men our “simple”; to my mind they are just has ¬†cerebrally¬†splendid and¬†capable¬†of feeling, as their female counterparts. ¬†However, the extent to which they work comfortably in the emotional realm is perhaps more limited than women, but when they do‚ÄĒI would argue that men can be far more deliberate, loyal, and even invested. ¬†So what does this look like?

I have known men that once in love with a woman will put up with every kind of demoralizing form of rejection one can imagine. ¬†Bruno Mars sings about catching grenades for the woman to whom he was devoted. ¬†Yes‚ÄĒthis song is melodramatic, but there is a lot of truth in this metaphor. ¬†Because men do what they want to do, when they decide they want to love you or make you happy, the lengths they will go to to do so are remarkable. ¬†Have you ever had a guy in your life, who was crazy about you? ¬†I don’t me lunatic stalker crazy; I mean¬†genuinely¬†into you. ¬†I have and I will tell you that in every case I never had to question how he felt or what he was thinking because his actions demonstrated everything I needed to know. ¬†¬†“Dudes do what they want to do. Always”.¬†

I hope that this little tidbit ¬†of wisdom helps you move on or move to a relationship that is affirming,¬†fulfilling, and useful. ¬†I also hope that it will help you loose whatever binds you have on your romantic life. ¬†The next time you find your self¬†ruminating¬† about what Mr. Man wants, needs, or feels immediately remember: “Dudes do what they want to do” and then channel that energy into yourself or even into serving others. ¬†The time we spend devoting energy to¬†understanding¬†what he is thinking can be much more profitably spent defining our own hopes, desires, and dreams.


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