Come Here Baby: You Sexy Motherf%#$@


Maybe it’s because growing my hair out makes me look like Frederick Douglass or because I have been feeling just a bit unpretty lately (need to get my eyebrows waxed), but I was all fired up today when I stumbled  upon a post entitled “Let’s Wait a While” on Sister Toldja’s blog The Beautiful Struggler.

The  talented and—please note—extremely attractive blogger was addressing her dismay at being referred to as “sexy” by a man she just met. In the post, her basic premise was that the term—as an immediate moniker—was too forward and a bit too tawdry for her taste.  She suggests the brothas need to slow the sexual innuendo down until a real connection is made.  To affirm her opinion, she asked her Twitter followers, “if they were cool with being called  sexy by a man shortly after meeting him.”   Many responded that they were in fact not comfortable with the term sexy after an initial meeting.

Guess I am an outlier here, but I love being called sexy.  And the closer I get to thirty, I notice this becomes a less frequent occurrence.  So now when it happens—call me a trash-box hooker a la Ne Ne Leakes to Kim Zoliak—but I am flattered.  Many men in the professional circles in DC are either so politically correct,  taken, disinterested, or otherwise neutered that good old fashion cat calling has gone the way of the 8-track. Quite frankly, you have to go to the hood to hear the long forgotten “heeeey seeexxxy” or the somewhat refined alternative “aaaay shawwwwty”.  I guess it’s just the DC in me, but I am not offended, insulted, or otherwise put off by the term sexy.

I’m the cutish funny girl in my group, so the late bloomer in me cannot tap the resolute feminist part of myself when it comes to this question.  Many of my far more gorgeous sister friends were really put off by the idea of a virtual stranger calling them sexy.  They suggested that it was too forward or made the guy seem like he was after one thing.  One friend suggested that a guy who called her sexy of the top could not get any play at all.  Yikes,  brothers I feel sorry for you because these girls are playing hardball, so chose your words carefully.

However, a few equally divalicious gal pals suggested they had absolutely no problem with the term “sexy”.  They considered it a compliment.  To them I say here, here.

The  informal poll among my friends based on Sister Toldja’s  question on the acceptability of “sexy” was about an even split between the ayes and nays. Yet, my suspicion is that the real answers for both groups lies somewhere not in the black in white but in that ever-present gray area.

Now…..if this guy calls you sexy after the initial meet; your probably going to be a little put off:

But somehow I suspect your tune changes, if this guys text you “hey sexy”:

Sister Toldja argues “sexy” is inappropriate on the jump because as a potential suitor  “sex is a space you should be invited into”.  On its face, I agree with that point.  Many of us have long grown weary of having are hands or worst yet behinds grabbed in the alcohol drenched atmosphere of a bar or club.

Nevertheless, part of me feels with the “sexy” bruhaha that we are being just a tad bit overly analytical ladies. I highly doubt most guys who refer to you as sexy are looking to bed you in side of a minute–albeit the exception for the nasty uncle types.  I mean most of the guys are insecure and probably think they are being flattering, when the acknowledge your desirability.  That is of course not to say that men are not carnal, sexually driven, visual creatures by nature; yet I’m not convinced at least for me slowing down is the answer.

Over here, as thirty is getting the reach on me and I get a little more sore and a little less sexy each day; I will take all the sexy I can get.  Bring sexy back, as far as I am concerned fellas.  We rock are “very sexy” Victoria Secret under armor, stilettos, and any number of sexy enhancing accouterments to bring the guys to the yard.  Yet, when they get there we have a lot of rules and hang-ups about what they say. In its everyday use,  I’m not convinced sexy is not necessarily  synonymous with wanting to lay it down.  In contrast, I would argue that the term has become increasingly innocuous over time.

So what do we think ladies?  Is “sexy” off limits or does it matter who is saying it?  If your boothang calls you sexy is that cool?  What about the guy at the bar or bus stop?  Please take the poll below.

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6 Comments

  1. I always think of words as being a verbal canvas for someones thoughts and feelings. The thing is that WORDS can mean ANYTHING. If I wanna call a desk a chair, that doesn’t stop the desk from being a desk…

    I don’t mind being called sexy by random men. It’s an ego boost. I don’t think words define what a person really is so even though sexy is not a gentleman’s term on a first meeting, it shouldn’t be considered offensive and it will not deter me from seeing what a person is about. Now GRABBING BUTT, and STARING AT CLEAVAGE is definitely a dismissal and maybe a curse out but “sexy” is not a reason to deny a person a chance to show me who they are.

    • @QueenPinky we are definitely on the same page. Thanks for your comment. I love the idea of words being a verbal canvas for feelings. What beautiful imagery! In fact, words do have power and they can be quite potent, hence the reason for such disparate opinions on this matter. While I agree cleavage staring is the pits, do we put them out there to be ignored? I’m just saying….

  2. Good points…

    I guess with me, it was part of my own insecurities that made me see being called “sexy” as something negative. I felt that the guy was only attracted to my body and only saw me as another conquest.

    But after reading your post, I’m like maybe it really isn’t that serious lol

    • @ Formerly Anti-Sexy thank you for your comment. I’m glad to see you have had a change of heart. Truly humbled that I persuaded you even just a little. Keeping your dignity does not mean having to deny the utter awesomeness of your femininity and sexuality and if you are lucky enough to have someone else acknowledge….upgrade 😉

  3. “Nevertheless, part of me feels with the “sexy” bruhaha that we are being just a tad bit overly analytical ladies. I highly doubt most guys who refer to you as sexy are looking to bed you in side of a minute–albeit the exception for the nasty uncle types. I mean most of the guys are insecure and probably think they are being flattering, when the acknowledge your desirability. That is of course not to say that men are not carnal, sexually driven, visual creatures by nature; yet I’m not convinced at least for me slowing down is the answer……Yet, when they get there we have a lot of rules and hang-ups about what they say. In its everyday use, I’m not convinced sexy is not necessarily synonymous with wanting to lay it down. In contrast, I would argue that the term has become increasingly innocuous over time.”

    Finally! Someone writing a blog that lives in the real world and being real about the intentions of men AND women! I am curious to see how many women respond to your post and comments (“While I agree cleavage staring is the pits, do we put them out there to be ignored? I’m just saying….” Classic.)

    I think the goal is for us as men and women to come to a greater understanding of each other. I feel that you are really trying to do that with this post…not excusing inappropriate behavior of men but also not deny the power and choice women have and at times exercise in those interactions. Please keep writing.

    Thank you for keeping it real!
    You too QUEENPINKY.

    • @ Dave Thank you for your comment. I truly appreciate your analysis. What can I say? Love is a battlefield and I am trying to help as many people as I can avoid being collateral damage in the war. I am convinced that it does not have to be this way. So the question remains: where is the love?

      Interpersonal relations between the sexes are in devastation right now because both the men and the women are coming from a place of no. There are a lot of wounded hearts out there, so now we are taught to suspect of a everyone’s intention. Therefore, you have a lot hard, callous women out here who are mistaking coldness for intellectualism and are thus subverting the agency that comes with their own sexuality. Guess what? Their is power in femininity. Guess what else? Women will use it, as required.

      Positive male attention is a good thing, even for feminist. It is an ego booster and I would argue does wonders to affirm our “womaness”. Notwithstanding, this is something that should be grounded from within; ain’t nothing wrong with a little positive feedback. I am quite sure one look at Eve and Adam was like “I I believe in miracles, where you from, you sexy thing” and it was all good in the Garden.
      The problem is many of the educated sistas have negating their sexuality due to subscriptions to past hurts, church doctrines (yikes), and other cultural indoctrinations about what it means to be a modern woman. What results is men and women in standing opposing corners, as if love were a boxing match.

      What can we do heal the hurts and move on? There are too many lonely people out here to get lost in the thick of thin things, like someone calling you “sexy”. SMH.


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